ABCDEpression is my attempt to put into words the constant battle that is depression.
Everybody’s experience is different but I’m sure anyone who’s living or has lived with the condition will identify with some of what I’m saying.
I don’t want people to worry about me – I’m as happy as I’ve ever been, but the effects aren’t just fly-by-night, it’s something I have to manage and stay on top of and probably will do as long as I live.
I spent many years running from my own mind, the crippling and debilitating way it made me feel, the incessant internal chatter spinning me this way and that way and I was a slave to its every jibe.
I’m by no means moaning about life – I’m extremely grateful to be here and for all the opportunities I’ve had, it’s a gift and I try to enjoy every day. But it’s a tough world out there sometimes and if you’ve got a natural chemical imbalance or a depressive nature it can be a frightening and overwhelming slog.
Since about 2015 I’ve been on a journey to improve and correct a lot of my thought patterns, to stop listening to the harmful thoughts and fight back. The thoughts are still there but I can deal with them better.
I’ve been through cognitive behavioural therapy, adult ADHD assessment, counselling, medication, peer support and a whole lot more to strive for a better life, to find some peace and contentment in my restless soul, to find my authentic self and try to be comfortable with it.
It’s been difficult and I’ve had to unlearn a lot of bad internal habits and re-frame them, forgive myself for wrongs of the past, be kind and encouraging to myself and nurture my mental health, but it’s been the greatest journey and it led to the rapping odyssey I’m on now!
I am at a point in my life where I’m happy to talk openly about my mental health and do so regularly (shout out Andy’s Man Club) but I wasn’t always like this and I feel happy to be able to put material like this out there, even if I am a little nervous about it all!
But I can’t hide away anymore. Writing ABCDEpression was the ultimate outlet for me. Working within the A-Z format was a chance to really vent in some depth, and as a piece of writing it was a challenging structure that made me think about every word.
I hope you enjoy the track and I hope it helps for some people to see me putting my vulnerabilities out there like this in a way that I never would have considered plausible a few years ago.
I’d love to hear your feedback on this track, I’m always trying to improve and hone what I’m doing and honest feedback helps tremendously with that so give me a shout! And please help by hitting like, share, comment etc. sending to friends, bothering the neighbours etc. so that hopefully this can get into some ears that appreciate it!
The track was recorded with help from Leeds City College Arts Fund at their recording studio in Leeds city centre.